This time, I do hear you, I really do..

This time, I do hear you, I really do..

For 25 years I have been living in this lie and pretence of who I am, which I didn’t believe and refused to acknowledge. And yes, I had shut you out of my life as you did not conform to my world that I have created and chained myself to.

I did not believe you when I said your pain is due to being kept in the dark, and not because I am spending time with my friend.

I have brushed off time and time again your supports and efforts to show support as I did not believe myself that anyone can be supportive of what I’m doing. I’ve never trusted myself to be able to get the recognition I needed, and that everything I had done was through my own’s merit. I have trusted anyone for support and therefore not from you.

I have rejected your calls and attempts to make peace, I have never given myself a chance to make peace with myself, and I agree I didn't give you the chance either.

I understand you feel helpless in your financial obligation to your parents and you tried to make it up by limiting the hurt to them in every decision made. I hadn’t supported you as the lie I had created did not have this image before. Two confused people together just added to the confusion which I just simply choose to avoid instead of tackling the problem.

I easily give up on marriage just because of misunderstanding. It is a consistent behavior that I had build up since young to avoid taking issues head on, and let it pass. I never believe it would be worth the effort to take on issues, as I had never ever gotten approval for it. I felt that the fastest way to set a priority for my brother is to set an example to him. Anything that does not fall into that category just simply did not make sense.

I understand that you are tired of being my scapegoat that would be blamed when things did not come my way. I see and recognized that part of me now. I needed an excuse to protect my image and I had sacrificed you for that. I am sorry for that.

My doubts whenever I did anything was to check if my parents will be upset, and if they will not be, nothing else matter. Again I recognize where it is coming from, the childhood experience that I had.

I didn't have time for you, I placed my family first, I forgot our plans, I neglect our time together, and our plans always had to change because something else crops up. I understand that and see that clearly now. I am sorry for the excuses I gave, I am sorry that I have woke up late to see these. I didn't have the energy to spend time with you as I had expended them all to the rest of the priorities to live in the lie that I created myself. The lie that I need to be my brother’s keeper and if not do not become that, I will not be loved by my parents. The same thing goes for Shuyi as I had regarded my aunt to be my parent too due to the childhood memories of her replacing my dad’s position when she was abroad. Seeing her wasted was a big blow to me, and I had resolved to treat shuyi as my sister, which connected to the memory of my vow to ensure my brother turns up well else my parents will not love me. You do not see any concerns from me cuz I had nothing more to share, all these energies that were supposed to be channeled to you were channeled to everyone else, whom I have to prove, to advise, to show my presence… all in the hope of trying to set an example, someone whom my brother can look up to. I see them all so clearly now..

With this clarity, I see the pain and suffering that you had gone through. I understand and feel them completely. I know you hurt a lot inside and you are struggling. I loved you enough to let you go and break up with my old self. I hated that side of myself too. I can’t understand how you can love a guy who doesn't even love himself.

I am glad that I am now able to take a step and look at the world with open eyes now. I have verified time and time again on the vow that I made when I was young. The part about my parents will not love me if I didn't protect my brother, and I know it’s not true anymore. My parents have showered love with or without my protection. And that breaks the entire understanding of me. That is the “who am I” question that I have been searching an answer for. I am me! I am not my brother’s keeper. Stepping out of this illusion sets me to see things clearly now.. I feel your pain, I genuinely do. I can understand that you wanted to get out of the relationship as you did not matter to me. And seriously you didn't get the love that you deserved with all the lies that I wrapped myself with. I can understand your frustration when you do not get to me.

I am mending my relationship with myself, my loved ones and friends all over again with the new me. I understand that this act of courage is not going to be easy, as many people will no longer recognize who I am. The lies that I am peeling off now. I can understand that you still have feelings for me, and want to continue to stay and work on this relationship. I can feel that. And I understand that. I will like you to stay and we work on mending our relationship. Let me start loving you as I should. This self discovery process has just started, and I’m pretty excited about it actually. I’m apprehensive of what is ahead, but since there are people who had walked this path of self realization before I did, I’m sure it must be something positive. And I really yearn for that. This peace that I gets, this clarity that I have in me. It is what I am searching for.. This is the freedom and happiness that I am getting, similar to what Buddhism taught me and I didn't understand. If you give this new me a chance, let me show you that I do have the compassion and capacity to love.

Thought sorting in progress...

You know the feeling of chasing after your tail to find out if that tail belongs to you , of what is your main purpose and direction in life, and realised that everything that you are searching for is actually with you and you have been ignoring and avoiding it all these while? Well thats how blind we all are. Stucked in our illusion and idea of whats working and whats not working. I have lived my life as my brother's role model for the past 25 years, and had gotten so rooted in this role that when it got challenged by the career standstill, my equilibrium was shaken and i spiralled spiritually downwards.

I am glad I see further than my illusions now, thanks to attending this course "The Courage to Create", which really helped me to explain the answer of WHO AM I , a question which i started searching for these 2 years. I will not confess that I still have fears of stepping forward to embrace the unlimited opportunities, as that is what I have been made to think and believe for so long. But with this new light, it sheds hope that i know I have the opportunities to go out and do my best and be what i want to be!

This post doesnt make sense, as I am still in the midst of understanding what i believe i understand.. its a starting point to a new realisation, and yes, i am still figuring out whats going on... in a positive way.. =)

Its been close to 3 years since I last blog. Haha.. its 4 yrs into my job, 2.8 yrs in Chartered Semiconductor (Now Global Foundries) and 1.2 yrs in HP. Tired? Weary? Lost? I guess I will tick yes on all of the above. I was reading my past entries and realised from the numerous posts that I did have a passion for what I do as a process engineer in CSM. I also retook this test to see whether my personality has changed over these few years, and the interesting thing is I have not changed. Compare this with what I did in the past --> Here

Extroversion	|||||||||||||||||||||	66%
Emotional Stability	||||||||||||||||||	60%
Orderliness	|||||||||	26%
Altruism	|||||||||||||||||||||	70%
Inquisitiveness	|||||||||||||||||||||	63%

You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

Well, not quite the same for those who are sharp, I have improved in terms of Emotional Stability and orderliness, less inquisitiveness .... traits of a weary engineer.. haha..

Maybe I have bottomed up my feelings for too long.. Maybe I havent been out to feel the positive air that the world brings... I feel stifled by the stuffs that I am doing, I feel angry... There is no physical attachment that can justify this feeling.. its all in the mind, and I just feel angry..

End of 2007

It's christmas season and soon this year will be gone...

Year 2007... A year so different from the rest... Its hard to imagine that so many things can happen in just one year..

I've worked on chinese new year. Being in a manufacturing company, there's never a dull moment, but the work on that day was just so overwhelming... Production was running on close to full capacity, and with it came lots of line issues. I've wanted to go to my granny's place for gathering but failed to make it in the end. A big regret i'm going to have for the years to come because new year aint going to be the same again..

My aunt passed away in October after battling with liver cancer for 2 mths.. Her family were with her when she took her last breath... Even though we do not talk about it, it was a great blow for everyone. She was the youngest aunt, and the illness came so unexpectedly and quickly. She looked perfectly healthy up till the last week when she was sedated after complaining of severe pain. There wasnt anything we could do to help, except to watch her wasted away.... This memory still haunts me today.

I've gained a sister, my cousin who is now in sec 1. But how to be a good big brother, when I'm home tired and saturated everyday. She's at an age where she's rebellious, her time wasted on japanese visual kei songs. Songs which I disapproved of as it isolates her from the world. This is the golden age for her to explore and make sense of the world... But was I like this back then, I do not know... I'm strict with her, hoping to fulfill my promise to my aunt... But I'm not sure whether I've gone overboard... Its been a long time since I last been a big brother... Many a times, I feel better slacking off, and just be a nowhere man... A hermit will be my perfect job.

Having regrets was how I started the year and I do not hope this will be how it ends...

i'm 26 this yr..

Worked as an engineer for 1.5 yrs....
the road ahead seems full of challenges,
but i'm ready to face them all,
as with age, comes experiences...
and its the experiences that will guide me through all obstacles..
they say i have reached the second yr of a quarter life crisis...
but i beg to differ..
for the fun has just started..
with the matured thoughts that i now possess,
will propel me on to another greater height...
the next self reflection will be on my 30th..
by then i should be somebody so and so..

To my Aunt

Late on the third night,
3 men sat...

Looking at her photo ,
they silently wept...

1 for his wife,
1 for his sister, and
1 for his aunt...

Though boys were taught to be strong, to hold their tears,
but courage and sincerity had taken its toll...

The lesson you taught me every friday,
had led me closer to you each day.

Now's the time for you to rest in peace,
our pains will cease to hurt someday...

Auntie dearest you have shown us the way,
to live, to fight every single day...

I'm a PE...

作者：Core-Logic　回复日期：2005-12-28　14:52:34　
　　制程工程师，也就是工艺工程师，也就是PE。他们主要负责Fab中各类工艺参数和程式的设定。一个稳定的Fab必然需要大量资深的PE在。PE的工作状况和EE不同，他们将面对多个部门的压力，MFG和PIE是“压迫”PE最多的两伙人。而Q的弟兄也会让PE非常痛苦，时常窜出来搞乱的TD工程师常常会把PE搞得抓狂。然后在PE和EE之间存在大量的灰色地带，这个事情究竟谁做？双方吵架的机会也是大把大把。　　PE和Vendor打交道的机会也比较多，无论是机台的Vendor还是Material的Vendor。熟悉之后，跳槽出去做Vendor的PE也不少。通常而言，EE去做Vendor还是修机器，而PE常常会摇身一变成了Sales。许多出去买Material的PE现在富的流油（因为有提成），尤其以卖CMP研磨液的弟兄为最好，卖靶材和光阻的就差了不少。　　PE也是需要在Fab里面常常待的，要tuning出好的程式也需要付出很大的代价。以Diff为例子，每个run都要以小时计算，无论是uniformity、Defect、Quality都需要被考量，而且最后还要得到PIE电性数据的Support。　　Fab里面出什么问题，MFG无法界定的时候，第一个通知的就是值班PE。　　每当一个新的制程在开发的时候，无论是PIE主导还是TD主导，PE都累得像条狗一样，操劳过度，而且还要陪着笑脸向制造部的Leader借机台，一不小心就付出请客喝水的代价。只有少数资深的PE敢于把PIE或者TD骂一顿然后罚他们自己去借机台的。许多PRS数据都需要切片，PE就只好在FA Lab陪伴切片的小妹度过一个个不眠之夜——尤其以ETCH的弟兄最为痛苦，当年的liaoduan他们就切片切的昏天黑地。最后怒了，就拿了把西瓜刀去找PIE进行黑社会谈判，好不容易分了一部分活出去。　　PE要值夜班，EE值班的时候，如果机台没问题就可以眯段时间，反正半夜也没有老板在。但是机台没有问题不代表Wafer没有问题，实际上Fab中Wafer出的问题千奇百怪，匪夷所思。所以PE的值班手机从来就不会闲下来，在Fab中最忙的值班电话通常是CMP、YE和PHOTO的值班手机。　　什么叫做痛苦，当你作为一个PE在Fab里接到YE的报警电话的时候就会有一种生不如死的感觉。完了，今天的值班一定没好日子过了……　　PE同样面对Fab中的不良环境，所以要注意身体，在有了小弟小妹之后就尽量少进Fab。