This time, I do hear you, I really do..

This time, I do hear you, I really do..

For 25 years I have been living in this lie and pretence of who I am, which I didn’t believe and refused to acknowledge. And yes, I had shut you out of my life as you did not conform to my world that I have created and chained myself to.

I did not believe you when I said your pain is due to being kept in the dark, and not because I am spending time with my friend.

I have brushed off time and time again your supports and efforts to show support as I did not believe myself that anyone can be supportive of what I’m doing. I’ve never trusted myself to be able to get the recognition I needed, and that everything I had done was through my own’s merit. I have trusted anyone for support and therefore not from you.

I have rejected your calls and attempts to make peace, I have never given myself a chance to make peace with myself, and I agree I didn't give you the chance either.

I understand you feel helpless in your financial obligation to your parents and you tried to make it up by limiting the hurt to them in every decision made. I hadn’t supported you as the lie I had created did not have this image before. Two confused people together just added to the confusion which I just simply choose to avoid instead of tackling the problem.

I easily give up on marriage just because of misunderstanding. It is a consistent behavior that I had build up since young to avoid taking issues head on, and let it pass. I never believe it would be worth the effort to take on issues, as I had never ever gotten approval for it. I felt that the fastest way to set a priority for my brother is to set an example to him. Anything that does not fall into that category just simply did not make sense.

I understand that you are tired of being my scapegoat that would be blamed when things did not come my way. I see and recognized that part of me now. I needed an excuse to protect my image and I had sacrificed you for that. I am sorry for that.

My doubts whenever I did anything was to check if my parents will be upset, and if they will not be, nothing else matter. Again I recognize where it is coming from, the childhood experience that I had.

I didn't have time for you, I placed my family first, I forgot our plans, I neglect our time together, and our plans always had to change because something else crops up. I understand that and see that clearly now. I am sorry for the excuses I gave, I am sorry that I have woke up late to see these. I didn't have the energy to spend time with you as I had expended them all to the rest of the priorities to live in the lie that I created myself. The lie that I need to be my brother’s keeper and if not do not become that, I will not be loved by my parents. The same thing goes for Shuyi as I had regarded my aunt to be my parent too due to the childhood memories of her replacing my dad’s position when she was abroad. Seeing her wasted was a big blow to me, and I had resolved to treat shuyi as my sister, which connected to the memory of my vow to ensure my brother turns up well else my parents will not love me. You do not see any concerns from me cuz I had nothing more to share, all these energies that were supposed to be channeled to you were channeled to everyone else, whom I have to prove, to advise, to show my presence… all in the hope of trying to set an example, someone whom my brother can look up to. I see them all so clearly now..

With this clarity, I see the pain and suffering that you had gone through. I understand and feel them completely. I know you hurt a lot inside and you are struggling. I loved you enough to let you go and break up with my old self. I hated that side of myself too. I can’t understand how you can love a guy who doesn't even love himself.

I am glad that I am now able to take a step and look at the world with open eyes now. I have verified time and time again on the vow that I made when I was young. The part about my parents will not love me if I didn't protect my brother, and I know it’s not true anymore. My parents have showered love with or without my protection. And that breaks the entire understanding of me. That is the “who am I” question that I have been searching an answer for. I am me! I am not my brother’s keeper. Stepping out of this illusion sets me to see things clearly now.. I feel your pain, I genuinely do. I can understand that you wanted to get out of the relationship as you did not matter to me. And seriously you didn't get the love that you deserved with all the lies that I wrapped myself with. I can understand your frustration when you do not get to me.

I am mending my relationship with myself, my loved ones and friends all over again with the new me. I understand that this act of courage is not going to be easy, as many people will no longer recognize who I am. The lies that I am peeling off now. I can understand that you still have feelings for me, and want to continue to stay and work on this relationship. I can feel that. And I understand that. I will like you to stay and we work on mending our relationship. Let me start loving you as I should. This self discovery process has just started, and I’m pretty excited about it actually. I’m apprehensive of what is ahead, but since there are people who had walked this path of self realization before I did, I’m sure it must be something positive. And I really yearn for that. This peace that I gets, this clarity that I have in me. It is what I am searching for.. This is the freedom and happiness that I am getting, similar to what Buddhism taught me and I didn't understand. If you give this new me a chance, let me show you that I do have the compassion and capacity to love.

Thought sorting in progress...

You know the feeling of chasing after your tail to find out if that tail belongs to you , of what is your main purpose and direction in life, and realised that everything that you are searching for is actually with you and you have been ignoring and avoiding it all these while? Well thats how blind we all are. Stucked in our illusion and idea of whats working and whats not working. I have lived my life as my brother's role model for the past 25 years, and had gotten so rooted in this role that when it got challenged by the career standstill, my equilibrium was shaken and i spiralled spiritually downwards.

I am glad I see further than my illusions now, thanks to attending this course "The Courage to Create", which really helped me to explain the answer of WHO AM I , a question which i started searching for these 2 years. I will not confess that I still have fears of stepping forward to embrace the unlimited opportunities, as that is what I have been made to think and believe for so long. But with this new light, it sheds hope that i know I have the opportunities to go out and do my best and be what i want to be!

This post doesnt make sense, as I am still in the midst of understanding what i believe i understand.. its a starting point to a new realisation, and yes, i am still figuring out whats going on... in a positive way.. =)