That forgotten post...

How are you my dear friend?

It's been a decade since we chatted. 

How have you been? 

What have you been up to?

Have you achieved what you set out to do?

Are you happy?

Are you sad?

Or are you somewhere in between?

What happened to the girl we used to talk about?

Are you married?

Do you have kids?

Do you have pets?

How are your parents whom we cared for so much?

How is your brother who is your best confidant?

Tell me my dear, there's so much to share, so much to catch up on, 

from our long forgotten days...

This time, I do hear you, I really do..

This time, I do hear you, I really do..

For 25 years I have been living in this lie and pretence of who I am, which I didn’t believe and refused to acknowledge. And yes, I had shut you out of my life as you did not conform to my world that I have created and chained myself to.

I did not believe you when I said your pain is due to being kept in the dark, and not because I am spending time with my friend.

I have brushed off time and time again your supports and efforts to show support as I did not believe myself that anyone can be supportive of what I’m doing. I’ve never trusted myself to be able to get the recognition I needed, and that everything I had done was through my own’s merit. I have trusted anyone for support and therefore not from you.

I have rejected your calls and attempts to make peace, I have never given myself a chance to make peace with myself, and I agree I didn't give you the chance either.

I understand you feel helpless in your financial obligation to your parents and you tried to make it up by limiting the hurt to them in every decision made. I hadn’t supported you as the lie I had created did not have this image before. Two confused people together just added to the confusion which I just simply choose to avoid instead of tackling the problem.

I easily give up on marriage just because of misunderstanding. It is a consistent behavior that I had build up since young to avoid taking issues head on, and let it pass. I never believe it would be worth the effort to take on issues, as I had never ever gotten approval for it. I felt that the fastest way to set a priority for my brother is to set an example to him. Anything that does not fall into that category just simply did not make sense.

I understand that you are tired of being my scapegoat that would be blamed when things did not come my way. I see and recognized that part of me now. I needed an excuse to protect my image and I had sacrificed you for that. I am sorry for that.

My doubts whenever I did anything was to check if my parents will be upset, and if they will not be, nothing else matter. Again I recognize where it is coming from, the childhood experience that I had.

I didn't have time for you, I placed my family first, I forgot our plans, I neglect our time together, and our plans always had to change because something else crops up. I understand that and see that clearly now. I am sorry for the excuses I gave, I am sorry that I have woke up late to see these. I didn't have the energy to spend time with you as I had expended them all to the rest of the priorities to live in the lie that I created myself. The lie that I need to be my brother’s keeper and if not do not become that, I will not be loved by my parents. The same thing goes for Shuyi as I had regarded my aunt to be my parent too due to the childhood memories of her replacing my dad’s position when she was abroad. Seeing her wasted was a big blow to me, and I had resolved to treat shuyi as my sister, which connected to the memory of my vow to ensure my brother turns up well else my parents will not love me. You do not see any concerns from me cuz I had nothing more to share, all these energies that were supposed to be channeled to you were channeled to everyone else, whom I have to prove, to advise, to show my presence… all in the hope of trying to set an example, someone whom my brother can look up to. I see them all so clearly now..

With this clarity, I see the pain and suffering that you had gone through. I understand and feel them completely. I know you hurt a lot inside and you are struggling. I loved you enough to let you go and break up with my old self. I hated that side of myself too. I can’t understand how you can love a guy who doesn't even love himself.

I am glad that I am now able to take a step and look at the world with open eyes now. I have verified time and time again on the vow that I made when I was young. The part about my parents will not love me if I didn't protect my brother, and I know it’s not true anymore. My parents have showered love with or without my protection. And that breaks the entire understanding of me. That is the “who am I” question that I have been searching an answer for. I am me! I am not my brother’s keeper. Stepping out of this illusion sets me to see things clearly now.. I feel your pain, I genuinely do. I can understand that you wanted to get out of the relationship as you did not matter to me. And seriously you didn't get the love that you deserved with all the lies that I wrapped myself with. I can understand your frustration when you do not get to me.

I am mending my relationship with myself, my loved ones and friends all over again with the new me. I understand that this act of courage is not going to be easy, as many people will no longer recognize who I am. The lies that I am peeling off now. I can understand that you still have feelings for me, and want to continue to stay and work on this relationship. I can feel that. And I understand that. I will like you to stay and we work on mending our relationship. Let me start loving you as I should. This self discovery process has just started, and I’m pretty excited about it actually. I’m apprehensive of what is ahead, but since there are people who had walked this path of self realization before I did, I’m sure it must be something positive. And I really yearn for that. This peace that I gets, this clarity that I have in me. It is what I am searching for.. This is the freedom and happiness that I am getting, similar to what Buddhism taught me and I didn't understand. If you give this new me a chance, let me show you that I do have the compassion and capacity to love.

Thought sorting in progress...

You know the feeling of chasing after your tail to find out if that tail belongs to you , of what is your main purpose and direction in life, and realised that everything that you are searching for is actually with you and you have been ignoring and avoiding it all these while? Well thats how blind we all are. Stucked in our illusion and idea of whats working and whats not working. I have lived my life as my brother's role model for the past 25 years, and had gotten so rooted in this role that when it got challenged by the career standstill, my equilibrium was shaken and i spiralled spiritually downwards.

I am glad I see further than my illusions now, thanks to attending this course "The Courage to Create", which really helped me to explain the answer of WHO AM I , a question which i started searching for these 2 years. I will not confess that I still have fears of stepping forward to embrace the unlimited opportunities, as that is what I have been made to think and believe for so long. But with this new light, it sheds hope that i know I have the opportunities to go out and do my best and be what i want to be!

This post doesnt make sense, as I am still in the midst of understanding what i believe i understand.. its a starting point to a new realisation, and yes, i am still figuring out whats going on... in a positive way.. =)

Its been close to 3 years since I last blog. Haha.. its 4 yrs into my job, 2.8 yrs in Chartered Semiconductor (Now Global Foundries) and 1.2 yrs in HP. Tired? Weary? Lost? I guess I will tick yes on all of the above. I was reading my past entries and realised from the numerous posts that I did have a passion for what I do as a process engineer in CSM. I also retook this test to see whether my personality has changed over these few years, and the interesting thing is I have not changed. Compare this with what I did in the past --> Here

Extroversion	|||||||||||||||||||||	66%
Emotional Stability	||||||||||||||||||	60%
Orderliness	|||||||||	26%
Altruism	|||||||||||||||||||||	70%
Inquisitiveness	|||||||||||||||||||||	63%

You are an Inspirer, possible professions include - conference planner, speech pathologist, HR development trainer, ombudsman, clergy, journalist, newscaster, career counselor, housing director, character actor, marketing consultant, musician/composer, artist, information-graphics designer, human resource manager, merchandise planner, advertising account manager, dietitian/nutritionist, speech pathologist, massage therapist, editor/art director.

Well, not quite the same for those who are sharp, I have improved in terms of Emotional Stability and orderliness, less inquisitiveness .... traits of a weary engineer.. haha..

Maybe I have bottomed up my feelings for too long.. Maybe I havent been out to feel the positive air that the world brings... I feel stifled by the stuffs that I am doing, I feel angry... There is no physical attachment that can justify this feeling.. its all in the mind, and I just feel angry..

End of 2007

It's christmas season and soon this year will be gone...

Year 2007... A year so different from the rest... Its hard to imagine that so many things can happen in just one year..

I've worked on chinese new year. Being in a manufacturing company, there's never a dull moment, but the work on that day was just so overwhelming... Production was running on close to full capacity, and with it came lots of line issues. I've wanted to go to my granny's place for gathering but failed to make it in the end. A big regret i'm going to have for the years to come because new year aint going to be the same again..

My aunt passed away in October after battling with liver cancer for 2 mths.. Her family were with her when she took her last breath... Even though we do not talk about it, it was a great blow for everyone. She was the youngest aunt, and the illness came so unexpectedly and quickly. She looked perfectly healthy up till the last week when she was sedated after complaining of severe pain. There wasnt anything we could do to help, except to watch her wasted away.... This memory still haunts me today.

I've gained a sister, my cousin who is now in sec 1. But how to be a good big brother, when I'm home tired and saturated everyday. She's at an age where she's rebellious, her time wasted on japanese visual kei songs. Songs which I disapproved of as it isolates her from the world. This is the golden age for her to explore and make sense of the world... But was I like this back then, I do not know... I'm strict with her, hoping to fulfill my promise to my aunt... But I'm not sure whether I've gone overboard... Its been a long time since I last been a big brother... Many a times, I feel better slacking off, and just be a nowhere man... A hermit will be my perfect job.

Having regrets was how I started the year and I do not hope this will be how it ends...

i'm 26 this yr..

Worked as an engineer for 1.5 yrs....
the road ahead seems full of challenges,
but i'm ready to face them all,
as with age, comes experiences...
and its the experiences that will guide me through all obstacles..
they say i have reached the second yr of a quarter life crisis...
but i beg to differ..
for the fun has just started..
with the matured thoughts that i now possess,
will propel me on to another greater height...
the next self reflection will be on my 30th..
by then i should be somebody so and so..

To my Aunt

Late on the third night,
3 men sat...

Looking at her photo ,
they silently wept...

1 for his wife,
1 for his sister, and
1 for his aunt...

Though boys were taught to be strong, to hold their tears,
but courage and sincerity had taken its toll...

The lesson you taught me every friday,
had led me closer to you each day.

Now's the time for you to rest in peace,
our pains will cease to hurt someday...

Auntie dearest you have shown us the way,
to live, to fight every single day...